I just wanna quit. Wow, great way to start the new year, Sugar! But, in this moment… sigh.
I’m tired of trying to make a difference and feeling incapable. I’m done trying to get my social media right and only doing half of what I could be. I’m sick of all the “need to’s” and not seeing lives impacted. I am, today, insecure. I feel like a junior high kid struggling to see who I am. I want to ask those around me to tell me who I am and find out if they like me. So junior high!
I want to quit coaching and teaching and just spend my days exercising, crocheting, painting, creating things, designing rooms, alone…
This is not the real me and I know it.
A quote recently, which I feel so very deep in my soul, is what continues to run through my mind and I find it both comforting and frustrating:
“I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.” E. B. White
YES! Exactly! My deepest heart simply wants to bring people into a beautiful relationship with God, to help people have loads of fun, and to revive Eden, you know, the garden God put Adam and Eve in?
This seems like it screams to me over and over again, in millions of thoughts, in ever continuing phrasing and verbiage, it calls to me and I run to it, hoping to grasp it and bring it to not only my reality, but to everyone I know. I want to change the world – to show it its’ loving Father who longs for it to connect to Him and His heart.
I want people to have fun, I believe we were created for it. (And this doesn’t mean Disney World, beaches, and party’s day in and day out. It means fun throughout the day – even when work is happening. Fun in work. Fun in life. Eden – perfection).
I want everyone to understand the gospel – not the rules and regulations and theology of it all but the simple truths… He loves you, He gave His life for you, He wants to be with you both now and after you die. And He made it possible. So, decide if you want to be with Him or not – easy enough.
And then… days like today happen.
I feel incapable of it all. I question my gifts. Am I good enough? Can I really make a difference? Hasn’t everyone heard this and already made their choice? Does it matter if I keep saying these things? I question the very thing I teach – Identity. Who am I? Does my voice matter? Does the time I spend on these things truly make a difference? Am I good enough? (This one comes up usually multiple times when I’m in this space.) And do people like me? (As I write this all the little soldiers that guard me and keep me from being “too vulnerable,” whatever that is, are standing at the ready and chanting in unison: “Quiet, quiet, quiet. This is dangerous”).
Maybe I’ll go find a beach and sit there, doing nothing, for the rest of my life. But I know the restlessness inside won’t let me do that. I know the Truth will tap me on the shoulder
and remind me that I matter, my words matter.
Don’t settle – even if you feel aimless or incapable. And soon enough I will again feel the goodness of all that Father has created in me. I will feel every bit the child in the super-hero costume.